‘I can’t do it!…yet!’ 

We all want our children to be confident, eager learners, so when your children’s anxieties about their abilities make them think it’s not worth trying, they’ll need your help to cope with their sense of rising self-doubt and to embrace the idea that “I can’t do it” comes with a “…yet!” 

‘’I can’t do it’’, is a common response when your children feel anxious that they don’t know what to do. This anxiety triggers the fight-or-flight response in their brain, which means the rational part stops working, and so they really cannot work out how to tackle the task, whatever it may be. 

In response to this situation, you may feel frustrated or worried that your child tends to give up too quickly and easily, whenever they are not instantly successful. Your first instinct will likely be to give them a pep talk and tell them they can do it, but they won’t believe you because your words do not match their feelings. 

It takes courage to keep trying with difficult tasks. Your child hasn’t yet learned that feeling stuck is temporary. They interpret their struggle as a sign that they lack ability, so they feel hopeless, and as such they need your support to persevere past self-doubt. 

TO BELIEVE IT, CHILDREN NEED MANY EXPERIENCES SHOWING THAT EFFORT LEADS TO PROGRESS. 

How to respond in the moment: 

1. Put feelings in context. Empathize, but make it clear that their feelings don’t apply to everything, for all time. Say, “You’re feeling frustrated right now” or “You’re struggling with this assignment” or “Your simply confused because you haven’t learned this yet.” 

2. Tell them they can choose not to listen. Negative self-talk is a form of internal bullying. Encourage them to imagine a character in their head who tells them they can’t do their work and give it a name, such as “Ms Can’t” or “Mr Negative,” so they can tell it to keep quiet. 

3. Find baby steps. Help your child find a strategy for approaching the task. Break it down into small, doable steps so your child can build momentum and gain confidence that they can handle it. If the task truly is beyond them, find one part that they can do then write a note explaining where and how they are struggling so the teacher can help. 

In the long term: 

1. Reframe struggle as a sign their brain is growing. Explain to them that just as muscle gets stronger by doing difficult work, their brain does, too. Be careful not to help more than they need, or they’ll lose the opportunity to learn. 

2. Tell stories. Remind your children about times when they struggled and then triumphed, so they realize that the struggle is temporary. For instance, “I remember when you were first learning to swim. You were afraid to put your face in the water, but now you’re practically a fish!” 

Above all else, be patient, positive, and optimistic that tomorrow will deliver a brighter day.